TRUST, SKEPTICISM, & 5:30 am
My biological clock either keeps me up or wakes me at 3:00 on the dot, bushy tailed & bright eyed. In recent years, I have tried to fight it or spent some time wasting it away, just lying there or scrolling. But this morning, after getting up and cleaning for about 45 minutes, I went to lie back down, and couldn’t go back to sleep. Still, I was trying to convince myself that being up this early would certainly make for a rough day, about midday through work… but then I started to question myself as to why I resist the natural flow of myself. After having my son and much therapy, I did find myself catching up on a decade's worth of missed sleep. That made sense, my nervous system regulated for the first time in my life, my stress was minimal outside of everything day things, I was genuinely optimistic and truly felt safe. I recently read or maybe heard somewhere that when you’ve outgrown where you are (mentally, physically, and emotionally), you will create problems to overcome. And I’m sure I’ve heard some variation from that before, but lately I have been questioning my actions as they are or are not in alignment with my intentions. I believe in divine intervention and guidance, and as of late, before I could go forward, I had to take care of remnants of a mess I had once cleaned up before, by the way, not spending my time wisely or lack of discipline in my decision making. I’m used to feeling like what I want and need are rarely on the same page, but with honesty, I know that’s not anyone else's fault but my own, usually.
Anywho, so I got out the bed around 4:30/4:45. As I was starting my morning routine, and thought of a new friend that I was skeptical of connecting with at first, and not because of them, but because of my past. I was born and raised in a city where I feel I had the exact experience that one would describe Black Americans to the American experience. This place has never been what I would consider love to be, or ever so kind to me. Now, more often than not, I’ve felt useful, I know I’m talented, intriguing, and much more, but it’s like a Cinderella experience. Like, be great but not too much. So, moving back did not skip any time getting me acclimated to its ways. No matter how many times younger me contorted herself for others or the evolved version of me brought home from true healing wounds still existed here, history wanted so badly to repeat itself, and sometimes I got caught, but we love a self-aware Princess. And I caught myself, I fell back, and even tried again. But last year was rough… I hadn’t felt that defeat in that way in such a long time. I had to sit it out for a minute. After pushing myself, holding myself, staying gracious in the hardest of times, and sitting with new pain to some of my deepest wounds, I was deflated. I’ve been slowly replenishing myself, moving slower. I want to be so sure we don’t rebuild the same home we felt so badly we needed to escape.
With that comes trusting again, or trusting it at all in the first place. I was a very jovial and naive girl growing up. I was (and still very much am) smart, but my goodness, I saw the light in everyone, anyone, everywhere. That brought me a lot of experiences and hard truths, but I know you need that kind of hope to live and sometimes survive the times you don’t see a way out, and only faith can hold you. So as I feel way more trusting in a I know better and maybe all I know is not all there is, so I need a little tingle of naïveté to persist and manifest myself into where I would like to go next.
Because what is worth the reward if not worth the risk, better recognized as vulnerability.
